Bismillah ir Rahman ir Raheem
Caring for an Elderly Parent
By Ummumar © 2007
My mother’s health is failing.
Whenever I tell people that my mother is the strongest person I know, they always smile and think I’m just a loving daughter. But I have seen my mother’s resolve in face of the decline in her health as it has deteriorated slowly, excruciatingly slowing, over the last twenty-five years. In the face of surgeries and setbacks due to complications from those surgeries. In the face of twenty-five years of progressively worsening pain.
Equal to her resolve to live is her resolve to live on her own terms. Despite the cost to her health, she is a woman who would only do so much to take care of herself. She refused to give up what she considered were her essential pleasures in life. As a result, she made a few, minor adjustments in her diet when a complete change was called for. And then there were the cigarettes—a pack a day for decades.
Predictably, there has been an ongoing, accelerating decline in her health. Now, I am helpless as one by one her body’s systems falter and teeter on complete failure. She is in chronic, unremitting pain. Yet she still insists, at times, on eating things that are bad for her; she still smokes whenever she can get someone to smuggle cigarettes into the house.
And for more than thirty years, she has been unbending in her dislike of Islam.
As a Muslim, what is my response to this?
As her daughter, it is my responsibility before Allah to care for her. It doesn’t matter if she is Christian. It doesn’t matter if she harms herself with her unhealthy habits. It doesn’t matter if she dislikes Islam. Allah will judge me according to how I treat her regardless of whether she makes it easy or difficult for me to do so—regardless of how she worsens her condition through her own attitude and behaviors, regardless of her antagonism toward Islam.
On the one hand, I know she has no power over me to make me abandon my religion if Allah has decreed for me to live and die as a Muslim. On the other hand, I cannot know whether or not Allah has decreed for her to become Muslim at the end of her days in this world.
But my care for her is not contingent upon her becoming Muslim. My duty before Allah is clear:
Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. (Quran 17:23)
Also, from Sahih Bukhari comes the narration from Asma bint Abu Bakr that her question about how she should treat her non-Muslim mother was the occasion of revelation from Allah:
From Sahih Bukhari Volume 8, Book 73, Number 9:
Narrated Asma’ bint Abu Bakr:
My mother came to me, hoping (for my favor) during the lifetime of the Prophet asked the Prophet, “May I treat her kindly?” He replied, “Yes.” Ibn ‘Uyaina said, “Then Allah revealed: ‘Allah forbids you not with regards to those who fought not against you because of religion, and drove you not out from your homes, that you should show them kindness and deal justly with them.’. (Quran 60:8)
So, until her last breathe, it is my responsibility to treat my mother with kindness, with respect, with courtesy and with compassion.
What reminders has Allah given me through this experience?
First of all, caring for my mother has reminded me that we cannot do anything except by His will. That our only role in this life is to submit to His will for we have neither health nor strength, nor soundness of mind, nor difficulty, nor ease from any difficulty except through His decree.
Second, I have seen that just as Allah takes nine months to form a human life and bring it into this world, He can undo a human life little by little, bit by bit, year by year as a progression through the multiplication of infirmities in old age. Truly, the unmaking of a human life is just as much a miracle as making a human life is.
Third, I have been reminded that the smallest of actions can be charity, if done in the name of Allah. This includes everything from fixing a meal, to speaking in a pleasant voice, to refusing to give voice to words that would be hurtful if spoken out loud, to providing companionship by taking a few minutes to talk or an evening to watch old movies.
Fourth, a reminder of what fisabil Alllah—in the way of Allah, or in service to Allah—really means. It means doing good for someone when it is inconvenient, even difficult for the doer, because the reward for the action is with Allah. Indeed, it is a reminder that worship without action is incomplete, for Quran exhorts us action as much as it exhorts us to prayer.
Fifth, it is a reminder that death is nearby, at all times and for each one of us. We have to garner as much as we can of acts of worship and good deeds to go before us to the grave. We also have to make sure what we leave behind us in this life—provision for our survivors, payments of debts, clearing unresolved personal and business issues—are all taken care of before it is too late.
Sixth, it is a reminder that Allah’s mercy is with the Muslims wherein every difficulty, every pain, every distress is an expiation of sin or a purification. Both bring us closer to paradise.
Finally, and coming full circle, it is again a reminder of submission. That not only do we have to accept our own decree, but we also have to accept the decree of those around us. Submission cannot depend on getting what we want from Allah. We are not His servants—we cannot negotiate with Allah or reject the demands He places upon us. We are his slaves and must put aside disappointment, pain, anger, frustration, fear, doubt, and all other negative emotions in order to submit totally—with sincerity, humility, trust, and gratitude for our lives as those He has chosen to be Muslim.
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