Whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth is Allah’s; and whether you manifest what is in your minds or hide it, Allah will call you to account according to it; then He will forgive whom He pleases and chastise whom He pleases, and Allah has power over all things. (Holy Quran 2:284)
We all have sins for which we seek Allah’s forgiveness. But we sometimes have secret sins that we’re afraid to mention even to our Creator, even though we know we have no secrets from Allah. Some of us manage our secret sinss-sour, darkest hidden guilt–by turning away from Islam, claiming to be “secular Muslims” who bury sins and guilt under drugs, alcohol, sex, food, or the pursuit of money, power or fame. Some of us claim to be practicing Muslims and do those same things–only not so openly. Some of us drive ourselves into various states of anxiety, depression and other psychological ills.
Regardless of how it manifests in our lives, the problem is the same: we are running away from Allah. Running away often seems easier than facing the shame of having anyone know what we’ve done wrong–whatever it is–and keeps us from taking any steps toward Allah. We forget that the shame we fear from people we know is less than the shame we will face of the Last Day.
Sometimes we think we can do great good in other areas of our lives and hope that Allah will forgive us everything without pur ever having to acknowledge that deepest, secret guilt. But the hope that Allah will gloss over without ever any accounting of our worst misdeeds–our secret misdeeds–still leaves us agitated within our souls, and we are unable to feel any peace. Without peace, we continue to pursue our addictions or diversions, compounding sin upon sin, guilt upon guilt.
The only way to stop the cycle is to turn back to Allah to ask forgiveness, to take whatever steps we must to end or undo the wrongs we’ve done. The process is a painful one when it involves making restitution in some way to others, or going to others for help. Sometimes the pain is in knowing that some things cannot be undone–an injured party is dead, for example. Sometimes we see the repercussions of our misdeeds affect other lives in ways it is impossible for any one person to fix. Sometimes a choices we made years ago have lead to unforeseen disasters in our life or in the lives of others. What then?
The answer still the same: turn to Allah. Stop running. Perhaps, truth be told, it feels easier to continue running. To stop running, to turn to Allah seems immeasurably more difficult. Continuing with a life filled with hidden terror, addictions and emotional imbalance seems somehow to be the more familiar and safer choice, but there is this: that choice is the choice without peace or rest or hope or light.
It is Ramadan–a month of forgiveness and mercy. Stop running.
And whoever does evil or acts unjustly to his soul, then asks forgiveness of Allah, he shall find Allah Forgiving, Merciful. (Holy Quran 4:110)
